Ahhhh...outside

On Friday, the boys and I drove to NH to see our closest friends P and H. We have known them since 1996 or 1997. A long time. Anyway, H and I went to the town pool and went swimming. Well, we started out in the big pool, but neither boy would allow H to hold them, so I could focus on the other one. Since Q is always with P or I, i had no idea he even noticed me. It was really sweet to see him reaching for me, when he wasn't in my arms. So we went to the wading pool, that was 1 foot deep. I held Q, while he kicked around and bounced up and down; and S played in the water. I love how S has no fear of the water. He found a chair with 3 legs that he kept trying to sit in, in the water. He would tip over backwards, go totally underwater, and come up laughing and sputtering every time. Then we played at the playground and went to P and H's house. Their nephew is 1.5 years older than S, so they played together for another hour or so. It was so nice to be outside, watching the kids play, watching the sun go down. I can't wait until S and Q are old enough to play together like that.

I am still playing hamster wheel in my head with O and her possibly going to visit her family in FL. I don't want her to get hurt. I don't want them to convince her that all is well, so she stays. I don't want them to guilt her into staying. And I am so scared that I finally allowed myself to form a bond with her, and she will leave. I am so worried for how this will go. They are acting like they never said terrible things to her when she chose to stay, or that no one called her on her birthday or xmas. Or that her mother would go 6-8 weeks in between calls; and when she did call it was to yell at her or tell her how bad things were. O is 14, almost 15. She has dealt with more than any kid her age should have to. I know she needs to see them, and maintain contact, but I don't want her (and selfishly, myself, P or the boys) to get hurt any more. Time will tell, I guess.

Because the heat is good for everyone's mood

Here are S and Q at Q's 6 month check up. Crappy cell phone pic, but you can see the light in their eyes!

The heat is killing us here. Everyone is edgy and moody. Q sweats and cries b/c he is too hot. The only time he is happy is when he is in an air conditioned room. And S doesn't ever want to stay in 1 place for more than 10 minutes. This is not the best. And O is pissy and attitudy. Which makes me want to toss some attitude back. but being the parent means I can't. The entitled attitude is killing me. Telling versus asking is not going over well.

Last night, Paul had a terrible night with the boys. As I was trying to leave for work, Q was crying and crying. So they went into our bedroom, with the AC on and had a picnic of watermelon and string cheese for dinner. Go nutritious meals mom! From what I hear, tonight was similar.

High point-Q had his 6 month check up today. He weighed in at 21.15 pounds! Seriously. He went from the 30th (ish) percentile to the 96th percentile! I am so very happy about this. All boob! I did it. I have tried not to put too much pressure on breastfeeding, but if I was being honest, it means everything to me to be able to nurse him and have him thrive.

Low point-I got my feelings hurt today. When I was pregnant with Q, I did not have a baby shower. No one gave us gifts, no one came to the hospital; and after we came home, 1 family came to see us and meet him. No one at my work did anything at all, no card, no gifts, even after he was born, I never heard from anyone. I thought the lack of celebration was because he was my second in 2 years. And we didn't need anything, having just had S. But I really wanted some sort of acknowledgement, even just a call. Now, a girl I work with is about to have her second baby. And she is being thrown a shower. And I am so hurt and so sad I don't even know what to do with these feelings. I am not best friends with my co-workers; but I thought we were close enough. And yet it turns out that I am still on the outside of things. I am so sad about this.

Trying to Blog Daily

ok, so I am going to take a different approach with this, and try to focus more on day to day life, with some longer, story stuff tossed in when I have time.

High point-S picking some weeds in the yard and running up to give them to me, while yelling "Happy Birthday Mommy, Happy Special Mommy's Day". It isn't my birthday or Mother's Day, but it was the first time he brought me flowers. I almost cried. Then I gave them back to him and said "Happy Birthday S, Happy Special S Day".

Low Point-it is so bloody hot. It was 92 degrees, in the house, today. Naptime was the best, because we were in the air conditioned bedroom. But Q hates the heat, and cried in the terrible, end of the world way. He did this anytime he got too warm, which was often in this heat. And anytime he cried like that, S would get all upset, trying to tell him"Q, Q, it's ok, Mommy will help" Then he would cover his ears and cry himself. Too much for me, that's for sure.

O's mother called today. It has been almost 6 weeks since she last called. Maybe more. And there is always a reason. I lost the number. Things have been crazy. How can you lose your 14 year old child's phone number? How can things be so crazy that you can't find the time or motivation to call your own child? And this will wreck O up, and she will be pissy and mad over the next week or so. Because it is too much for a 14 year old to deal with. I try to pretend that we can get through the next 4 years without anymore potential drama with her family. And after that, tell them to fuck off and just be done with it. I guess time will tell, right?